The maid of honor just puked.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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