I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
