i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
