I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize