quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
