Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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