I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
