woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
