I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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