Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
