I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
