Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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