Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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