I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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