I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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