the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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