I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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