conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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