Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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