I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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