I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
