Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I deserve this hangover.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
