I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
