Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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