My cat gives me a boner
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
nutella sex= disaster
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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