and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I still have a little drunk in my system
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
