Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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