Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
