when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
