that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
