Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
