got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
