spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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