I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
