Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize