Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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