You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize