Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
