i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
