Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This show inspires me to have sex in space
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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