my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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