So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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