How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
