The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
