1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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