I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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