Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
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