I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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