I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
