it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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