i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
