my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize