cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Your cock deserves a montage
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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