I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
