I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
