I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize