Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
