You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize