I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
