I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
