Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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